For Evan's Sake

July 29, 2008

2009-08-08T21:06:00.016-05:00

I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I am almost too embarrassed to continue this blog since I have not been keeping it up. However, in the last week or so I have come across a few people that mentioned my blog to me, and how it had helped them or someone they know. It has made me want to try my best to continue telling ours and Evan's story.

So, here is another post. I will pick up where I left off, but first I would just like to let everyone know that the past 6 months has brought a lot of healing and hope to our family. We found out we are expecting our third child this December and it is a boy. We haven't felt this kind of joy in a while.

July 29 , 2008

It was a Tuesday morning. I woke up early and called my OB's office as soon as it opened, 8am. I told the nurse over the phone that I would like to come in a check on the baby's heartbeat because I wasn't sure he was moving very much. She asked when the last time I felt him move was, and I told her I couldn't remember exactly. She asked me very sternly, "Why didn't you call sooner?" I shamefully said, "because I didn't know." I didn't know what else to say... She said to come in right away.

Cory came home to watch Allison while I went to the doctor. Before I left, I even packed Evan's diaper bag, thinking maybe he would be born today. I was 36 1/2 weeks pregnant.

I arrived at the doctor's office and I really thought I felt Evan kick me in the waiting room, so I was comforted some before I went in. The sweet assistant, Elizabeth, who had tended to me every time before, smiled her sweet smile as she got me ready to check the heartbeat. She used the Doppler to check for the heartbeat, but she could not find it. After about 2 or 3 minutes she called in another nurse to try. She could not find it either. Finally, they called in the nurse practitioner. They said "She ALWAYS finds the heartbeat." She couldn't find it either. The nurse practitioner kept telling me he was probably just in a funny position and maybe it would be best to just get a sonogram. She sounded so confident, so I believed her.

They called the sonograph office, located just upstairs, to tell them I was coming. I called Cory to tell him to come to the doctor just in case something was wrong. It wasn't until I said the words out loud to Cory, "They can't find the heartbeat," that I got upset. I then called my dear friend, Tori, to see if Cory could bring Allison over there. I can still remember the crying sound in Tori's voice when I told her what I knew.

Before I could even get off the phone with Tori, they were calling me back into the sonogram room, about 10am by this point. They led me in, and the nurse began to look at Evan with the ultrasound on the screen. She seemed to be stalling by looking at the head, feet and other body parts. I was anxious to see the beating heart of course. She finally pointed to a spot on the black and white screen and said "There's the heart..."

"It's not beating..." I said quietly.

She said, "I know, I'm sorry..."

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Mother's Intuition

2009-01-06T23:36:00.018-06:00

The weekend of July 26th, 2008, my sweet friends threw me a beautiful baby shower. It was an exciting and busy weekend with friends and family in from out of town to help us celebrate and prepare for our baby boy. I had worked hard to get the nursery almost done and perfect so everyone could see it all ready.

I remember thinking that I had not felt Evan move very much that weekend. Sometimes I didn't notice when the day was busy until I sat down late at night when the day was done. I never really settled down enough to feel him kick me like I usually do. You always hear that as your baby gets bigger they move less because they have less room in there, so I really wasn't alarmed at all. Looking back, I was also having Braxton Hicks contractions occasionally, which I was confusing with him moving.

Monday, July 28th rolled around and I was still running from the weekend and trying to get back to normal. Monday evening I settled down to eat a bowl of cereal that always made Evan kick me like crazy (Cinnamon Toast Crunch). Evan was completely still after I ate the bowl of cereal. I talked myself out of anything being wrong, and just said he must be sleeping. I still wasn't worried, but maybe I knew and didn't know it. Anyhow, I decided to go ahead and just call the doctor the next morning...

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16

Beautiful Hostesses ~ Marci, Jill, Tricia and Mandy

Shower guests ~ sweet Sophie and Katie

Opening baby shower gifts

All the lovely shower gifts. WOW!

A New Version of You

2008-11-17T00:58:00.036-06:00

Overall, my pregnancy with Evan was a sweet time for our family. I didn't take as many pictures of my growing belly as I had done when I was pregnant with Allison. So, the pictures I do have are very special to me now. They remind me of the innocence I used to have about life.

I read somewhere that when something like this happens, three people really die. Evan died of course, but so did my old self and the old Cory. We are no longer the same people we were before Evan died. In many ways we are better, but we we never will be the same. I realized that we are mourning the loss of the people Cory and I used to be along with the loss of Evan. I hope our friends and family will grow to love the new version of us.

We think Evan has made us better versions of ourselves with a stronger faith and love for our family. In spite of all the good that has come out of this sorrow, please know that I would give it all back in a heartbeat to have Evan here with us physically. Since that is obviously not an option, I will take all the good that I can get.

Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you

New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't remember

New version of you
I need a new version of me

New version of you
I need a new version of me
(Felicity Theme Song)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
old things have passed away;
behold, all things have become new
2 Corinthians 5:17

13 Weeks pregnant with Evan

Jill, Marci & April (15 Weeks)
All pregnant at the same time!

Baba, Darren, Holly, Allison, Cory & April (24 Weeks)

25 Weeks Pregnant with Evan

Kat & April (27 Weeks)

28 Weeks

30 Weeks

31 Weeks

Misty & April (31 Weeks)

Laura & April (32 Weeks)

33 Weeks

33 Weeks

April (35 Weeks), Kate & Laura

Pumpkin Patch 2008

2008-10-29T00:20:00.002-05:00

Many of you were wanting to see this year's pumpkin patch pictures. If you ask Allison what she is going to be for Halloween, she will say she is going to be Minnie Mouse and Snow White.

The Nursery

2008-10-17T00:27:00.005-05:00

Along with naming our son, I was also super excited to decorate his room. We began by having a huge garage sale and selling most of the things that made up our guest room. We also started the search for a comfortable sleeper sofa since we were getting rid of our nice guest accommodations.

The theme for Evan's room was decided long before we even had Allison. It is sort of a no brainer in our family that a boy's room would be all about sports and mostly baseball. After we cleared out the room, we found a nice khaki color for the walls. Cory and his dad painted the room one weekend and then the fun part for me began. My first purchase for his room was this great baseball lamp on eBay. We used the crib we had used for Allison (which was actually my crib from when I was born also used by my little brother Danny, and used by my cousin Essy). I had fun and his room was finally coming together with just a couple small touches still needed.

People have often asked me what I have done with his room. The truth is that I have not changed anything. I think as of right now that I will just keep his room the way it is. Although this will always be Evan's room, I guess what I really hope is that another baby will get the honor of using his nursery someday.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105

Allison helping paint her baby brother's room

The Name Game

2008-10-12T00:44:00.015-05:00

After we found out we were having a boy, we were excited about deciding on his name. It only took us a week to decide on Allison's name after we found out she was a girl. I realize that many people don't even decide until the baby comes out what to name him or her, but we seem to make this decision pretty quickly. We had a couple names we were thinking about, but none of them were the obvious choice.

One night, I was watching a Hallmark movie called The Russell Girl. In the movie, the main character's boyfriend was named Evan. The first time the main character, actress Amber Tamblyn, said the name "Evan" it immediately caught my attention. Later that night, I mentioned the name Evan to Cory to feel him out and see what he thought about it (I didn't tell him I heard it in a Hallmark movie!). He seemed to like it, but didn't do any jumping jacks or anything for it. So, I just let it be and didn't bring it up again for a while.

A couple days later, Cory mentioned the name Evan to me again. I remember asking him if he really did like it better than the other names we had talked about. He said that it had been really growing on him ever since I mentioned it. That made me really happy because I was beginning to really love the name Evan. We still had not made any decisions, but we talked about possible middle names. Andrew is Cory's middle name, so it was a clear front runner.

When we were deciding on Allison's name we had a great book called the Baby Name Wizard. It gives you all kinds of facts about names and even suggests possible brother and sister names for names you might like. About a week after Cory mentioned he was still thinking about the name Evan, I looked up Allison's name in the Baby Name Wizard book. One of the suggested brother names for the name Allison was Evan! I took this as a sign and decided to tell Cory that we just had to name him Evan. Cory agreed and we were ready to announce that we had decided on the name Evan Andrew Lieder.

We love his name, and Cory is so proud that Evan has his middle name too. After we lost Evan, some people told me, all with good intentions, that maybe I should not have named him until after the he was born. What I realized is that I don't regret naming Evan before he was born. His name is Evan Andrew, and that name was meant for only him.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5

Sharing the News and Finding Out

2008-10-07T00:35:00.007-05:00

Once we found out we were pregnant with our second child, we decided to tell our families about our baby news over the Christmas holidays. We told them by having Allison wear a t-shirt that said, "I'm the Big Sister!" All of the grandparents, aunts and uncles were so excited and looking forward to this new addition to our family. We also began preparing Allison for life with a baby and being a big sister. She still likes to read all of her Big Sister books.

Along with many of my close friends who were pregnant or soon to be pregnant, we were also overjoyed to find out that my first cousin, Kristel, was pregnant with her first child. We were due a week apart and I was so happy that this little one would get to grow up with her little one just like we did. We took our first "belly picture" together at our family's Christmas celebration.

We couldn't wait to find out the sex of the baby. We had a sonogram around 20 weeks. Little did we know that this would be the only time we would ever actually get to see Evan alive. Everything looked healthy, and we had the nurse write down the sex of the baby and seal it in an envelope for us to open later that day at dinner. We decided we couldn't wait until dinner, so we went to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. This was the same restaurant we opened Allison's envelope at too.

We found out we were having a boy and I was surprised because I had been sure that it was another girl. I was also a little nervous about the "boy parts." The surprise quickly turned to joy and we began to dream about our son and all things boy. We also found out around the same time that my cousin Kristel would be having a boy too! So fun, they would be best friends.

Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3

Allison in her "I'm the Big Sister" shirt ~ January 2008

Kristel & April
Our first belly picture
December 2007

Jeff & Cory
First belly picture :)
December 2007

April & Kristel
Another belly pic
June 2008

The Beginning

2008-10-03T23:13:00.012-05:00

I guess I will begin by telling Evan's story in case you are not familiar with all of the details. I am going to tell his story over time, and not all at once.

Cory and I found out I was pregnant in December of 2007, and we were so excited. We had been hoping to be pregnant by Christmas so that Allison and this baby would be around 3 years apart and would get to go to high school together. We were laughing when we realized that this baby's due date and Allison's birthday were only 5 days apart!

My pregnancy was very healthy from the beginning. I had the typical pregnancy symptoms of being unusually tired and nauseated in the first trimester. Other than that, everything was great. I loved being pregnant with Allison and was really looking forward to this experience again.

I often compare being pregnant with being engaged to be married. You begin to plan for the big day, get lots of attention, register for gifts, have showers, dream about the future, count down to the big day, the big days comes, your life changes forever and you get to live with this person for the rest of your life!

Today I was talking with my dear friend, Marci, about how much you "plan" for from the first moment the pregnancy test is positive without even realizing it. From which room will be the nursery, to possible names, to what the holidays will be like, to what year the baby will be graduating from Baylor! I know, I know. But it's true.

I have since learned that I am not in control. My "plans" for our life with Evan will not come to be as we had hoped. Everyday I am reminded of just how many plans I had already thought of. The other day I was reminded just by driving by the pumpkin patch at Bethany UMC where we take Allison's picture every October. I thought Evan would be there too this year. It's things like this that catch me off guard and bring those emotions right to the surface when I am least expecting it.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Ladybug Allison in the Pumpkin Patch ~ October 2006

Kitty Cat Allison in the Pumpkin Patch ~ October 2007

Giving it a try

2008-09-23T23:56:00.007-05:00

After a little peer pressure from my blogging friends, I finally decided to give it a try. I was realizing that those close to me are always wanting to know how we are doing and are not always sure if they should ask (Please do, by the way). Since it is not always easy to delve into the depths of grief in the parking lot at Target or in a voicemail, I figured this may be a better way to let you know how things are going. Wish me luck! I am new at this blogging thing and it is new for me to put all my feelings out there for the world to read. I hope that our journey will help someone else on theirs, and I hope it will help our friends and family help us on ours. May God bless you on whatever journey you are on.