Saturday, August 8, 2009

July 29, 2008

I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I am almost too embarrassed to continue this blog since I have not been keeping it up. However, in the last week or so I have come across a few people that mentioned my blog to me, and how it had helped them or someone they know. It has made me want to try my best to continue telling ours and Evan's story.

So, here is another post. I will pick up where I left off, but first I would just like to let everyone know that the past 6 months has brought a lot of healing and hope to our family. We found out we are expecting our third child this December and it is a boy. We haven't felt this kind of joy in a while.

July 29 , 2008

It was a Tuesday morning. I woke up early and called my OB's office as soon as it opened, 8am. I told the nurse over the phone that I would like to come in a check on the baby's heartbeat because I wasn't sure he was moving very much. She asked when the last time I felt him move was, and I told her I couldn't remember exactly. She asked me very sternly, "Why didn't you call sooner?" I shamefully said, "because I didn't know." I didn't know what else to say... She said to come in right away.

Cory came home to watch Allison while I went to the doctor. Before I left, I even packed Evan's diaper bag, thinking maybe he would be born today. I was 36 1/2 weeks pregnant.

I arrived at the doctor's office and I really thought I felt Evan kick me in the waiting room, so I was comforted some before I went in. The sweet assistant, Elizabeth, who had tended to me every time before, smiled her sweet smile as she got me ready to check the heartbeat. She used the Doppler to check for the heartbeat, but she could not find it. After about 2 or 3 minutes she called in another nurse to try. She could not find it either. Finally, they called in the nurse practitioner. They said "She ALWAYS finds the heartbeat." She couldn't find it either. The nurse practitioner kept telling me he was probably just in a funny position and maybe it would be best to just get a sonogram. She sounded so confident, so I believed her.

They called the sonograph office, located just upstairs, to tell them I was coming. I called Cory to tell him to come to the doctor just in case something was wrong. It wasn't until I said the words out loud to Cory, "They can't find the heartbeat," that I got upset. I then called my dear friend, Tori, to see if Cory could bring Allison over there. I can still remember the crying sound in Tori's voice when I told her what I knew.

Before I could even get off the phone with Tori, they were calling me back into the sonogram room, about 10am by this point. They led me in, and the nurse began to look at Evan with the ultrasound on the screen. She seemed to be stalling by looking at the head, feet and other body parts. I was anxious to see the beating heart of course. She finally pointed to a spot on the black and white screen and said "There's the heart..."

"It's not beating..." I said quietly.

She said, "I know, I'm sorry..."

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
Isaiah 41:10